From The Onion

FEMA disaster survival tips:

State and local governments should notify FEMA a minimum of two weeks before a natural disaster strikes.

In the event of a disaster of "biblical proportions," FEMA may not be your best option. You may wish to consult your Bible instead.

In a time of crisis brought on by a natural disaster, remember to focus on the task at hand—survival—and don't waste mental energy thinking about who did or didn't cut this or that funding for levee repairs.